Topic: Sports humor thread

[Frobozz]

 

 

[keetedw]

 

He almost threw up!  AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[Brisk 69]

Oakland Raiders beat San Diego Chargers... How do the Chargers fans take it?

[yt=480,385]17sX3z0SMYg[/yt]

[Frobozz]

Rescued Miner Pissed No One Updated His Fantasy Futbol Team

After being trapped for 69 days under the earth in a collapsed mine with 32 co-workers, Chilean miner Manuel Pena is overjoyed to be out of the hole and back with his family and friends.

But he does have some mixed emotions.

“I’ve been through so much over the past two months,” said Pena. “It’s hard to put it into words. But, yeah, the fact that no one thought to update my fantasy soccer league roster really chaps my ass. My wife has my password. It’s the same as my e-mail.”

A medical exam upon reaching the surface showed that Pena does indeed have a chapped ass, although that came from sleeping on rocks for the past 68 nights. His blood pressure was also elevated, which doctors attributed to his last place fantasy team.

“Carlos Valencia is in my starting midfield,” said Pena. “Carlos fu*king Valencia! He’s out until February with a dislocated ankle. I mean, come on! A guy who is actually in worse physical shape than me right now is supposed to be getting me fantasy points. It’s like I was underground so they stopped thinking about the stuff I truly care about.”

Pena’s wife, Marisol, says she was heartsick over having to break the news to her husband.

“Updating his roster just slipped my mind, it was a big mistake,” she said. “I hope he can forgive me. I tried to ease him into the bad news by first telling him that his mother passed away while he was down there, but he still flipped out when I told him he was in last place.”

Pena was hoping to win the league, which has a payout of $100.

“That’s four months of work in the mine,” he said. “And I really need the money now because I doubt we’ll get paid for the past two months.”

[pinmonkey001]

Looks like he practiced that.

[Frobozz]

New York fans watching with their kids just had to tell them that Wisniewski wanted Avery to enjoy a creamsicle

http://www.sportspickle.com/video/3692/james-wisniewski-thinks-sean-avery-should-enjoy-a-popsicle

[Frobozz]

Does the Minnesota Twins' Bear Mascot Sh*t in the Woods?



Yes. Apparently.

[sulidos]

Hell Yeah. This thread made me spew my frappe all across the keyboard, pure hilarity thanks guys 

[Frobozz]

Young love is a beautiful thing

[Frobozz]

NHL To Allow Finishing Moves In Fights This Season

NEW YORK—In a policy shift that seems to run counter to the recent emphasis on professional hockey as a game of speed and finesse, the NHL announced Wednesday that it will allow exceptionally graphic finishing moves for the 2010-2011 season. "At any point during an on-ice altercation, if one participant in a fight becomes dizzy or dazed, the arena announcer shall exclaim 'Finish him!'; whereupon the victor shall be given the choice of turning into a dragon and biting off his opponent's torso, ripping the other skater in half with a razor-sharp hat, or removing his hockey mask to reveal a fire-breathing skeletal face before burning his opponent to a crisp," the statement from the NHL Competition Committee read in part. "A two-minute minor penalty will be added to the five-minute fighting major if one combatant turns the other into an infant or offers him a wrapped present." The drastic rule change is believed to be prompted by an on-ice altercation last season after which the Oilers' Zack Stortini held up the skull and spine of the Rangers' Donald Brashear, receiving a three-minute standing ovation.

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The Only Thing That Can Stop Raider Nation Be Grammar!

[Big daddy Eis]

 

[vegaskiller73]

We aim to please.

   

EA? Yeh right.

[Brisk 69]

 

That's just great!

[Frobozz]

Madden 11 Now Offering Patch That Includes the Kansas City Chiefs



The makers of Madden 11 have hurried a downloadable patch that is now available to all users that includes the Kansas City Chiefs franchise and 2010 roster.

But an EA Sports spokesman says the original exclusion of the Chiefs from the game was not an oversight.

“As remarkable as modern gaming systems are, we still have to conserve our resources as much as possible,” said EA spokesman Josh Connor. “And we felt it made the most sense to leave the Chiefs off the game so we could improve the gaming experience in other aspects.”

It was not until now, with the Chiefs out to a surprising 3-0 start, that anyone contacted the company about the Chiefs not being in the game.

“I think we got four or five calls,” said Connor. “And, still, we think it’s kind of pointless to include them. I mean, come on — they’re still the Chiefs. Matt Cassel is their quarterback. But, hey — whatever. We aim to please.”

According to Connor, the Chiefs haven’t been included in a Madden release for “five or six years.” He says the company has yet to receive a request for inclusion of the Jacksonville Jaguars, who haven’t been on a Madden game since the franchise’s inaugural season in 1995.

[Frobozz]

Ha! Look at that idiot with the Revis jersey. He's only been in camp for, like, a week.

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Quote of the day:
"From now on everyone on the Jets will respect reporters regardless of what they're wearing. Yes, even when Jim Nantz wears his assless chaps."
- Rex Ryan

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This day in sports history:

Sep 18th 1994
 Ken Burns' baseball history documentary "Baseball" debuts on PBS. With a runtime of 1,140 minutes, Burns' was hailed by critics for providing viewers with a realistic sense of the length of the typical baseball game.

[Brisk 69]

Cheerleader vs. Mascot

[yt=425,350]x0G5WcBqc3A[/yt]

[Frobozz]

Browns center refuses to snap the ball to Jake Delhomme

Late in Cleveland's 17-14 loss to Tampa on Sunday, Browns center Garrett Gilbert decided to stop snapping the ball to quarterback Jake Delhomme. “At some point you have to stop being an enabler,” said Gilbert “The only one on this team who can stop Jake, outside of the coach benching him, is me. So I took it upon myself to end his reign of terror.” Gilbert’s teammates say they greatly appreciated his move. “We took a whole bunch of false start penalties, but it was better than what Delhomme does to us. And sometimes he’d just direct snap to Jerome Harrison, right past Jake,” said wide receiver Josh Cribbs. "Jake eventually got the hint, too, and started crying – which was funny. Maybe he'll stop showing up for games."

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"Yeah, so I thought: 'What would be even more badass and inspire the Seahawks to victory?' And the answer was, obviously: stab a 49ers stuffed animal with my hair."

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TV Tonight

Ravens at Jets -- 7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN

Proof how soft Ray Lewis has gotten in comparison to the Jets: he is in an Old Spice commercial. Whereas it's almost a guarantee that Rex Ryan has never worn deodorant a day in his life.

[Frobozz]

"Just tell me how you like it. There are many ways to fellate someone on national television, but I want to do it the way you prefer. I want to do it the way that gives you the most pleasure."

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BREAKING NEWS: NFL season postponed until Kevin can get all his friends together for their fantasy draft

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the start of the 2010 regular season will be postponed until Kevin can make it work for all of his friends to get together for their fantasy league draft. "Kevin is a really loyal fan of the NFL and we want to do this for him as we would for any fan," said Goodell. "It's just been a struggle to get 12 guys together for a draft. A lot of them have kids now. You know how it is." Kevin said he hopes to have the draft on Saturday night so Sunday's games can still be played. "The only guy I haven't gotten a confirmation from for Saturday night is Brian," said Kevin. "He has a new girlfriend so he's been MIA. Typical. Postponing the whole NFL season for some bimbo."

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Quotes of the day:

"If you want my Heisman, you'll have to catch me first! ... Ahh, crap. That was quick. I forgot I'm not as elusive as I was in college."
- Reggie Bush



"We are not asking Reggie Bush to give his Heisman back. However, we would totally be up for it if Gino Torretta wants to return his."
- Heisman Trust president

[Frobozz]

Thanks guys.   

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After every Arizona State score, the Sun Devil mascot does a corresponding amount of penetrations.

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Economic Outlook Worsens as 32 NFL Teams Cut Jobs



The stock market opened much lower this morning on reports that all 32 NFL teams cut jobs over the Labor Day weekend, trimming as much as a quarter of their rosters.

Job losses fell across all sectors, from quarterbacking and defensive line play to punting and kick returning. "No one was spared," said Geoff Tollefson, an analyst for Morgan Stanley. "Even those who probably felt secure, like valuable veterans or former top draft picks were let go. A guy I had even drafted for my fantasy team was released, which sucks."

While the recession of the past two years has hit rust belt areas hardest, NFL job cuts will be felt throughout the nation.

"This is another tough blow," said Cleveland mayor Frank Jackson. "The Browns are the biggest employer we have left in Cleveland. And it's looking like all the Indians will be laid off at the end of September. That will put our city's unemployment at 100-percent minus me, the Browns and the Cavaliers."

Many jobless players have found work in lower-paying jobs, such as the UFL or CFL, but others will be forced to go on unemployment until the job market picks back up next spring and summer, as many analysts predict.

"How much does unemployment pay?" asked Dre Bly, who was released by the Detroit Lions. "Is it enough to keep up the payments on my Ferrari?"

But while most see the job losses as further evidence of a double-dip recession, others stressed calm.

"NFL job losses mean very little to the overall economy," said Myron Dean, an analyst for Goldman Sachs. "Or maybe they do. Who the hell knows? If anyone actually understood the economy, they would have fixed it a long time ago. We're screwed. Or not. Whatever."

[Brisk 69]

 

[pinmonkey001]

Keep up the good work Fro.  Funny stuff!   

[Frobozz]

Baseball Season Ends



The Major League Baseball season reportedly ended last night right around the time the football season kicked off. The championship will likely be awarded to the New York Yankees who won yesterday afternoon in the last game played before football.

"Oh, really?" said Yankees pitcher CC Sabathia. "That's great! Football season! YES! It seemed like it was taking forever to get here. And good news about winning the title, too."

Many baseball teams are expected to continue playing this month and even into October, but it is unlikely their games will count because pretty much no one cares now.

"It's like that thing about a tree falling in the forest," said commissioner Bud Selig. "Speaking of lumber, Wisconsin' defense is really going to bring it this year. I think they can get to the BCS title game."

With football games primarily scheduled for Saturday and Sunday, and to a growing degree Thursdays, some less-aware baseball people such as Tony LaRussa have suggested baseball schedule its games around football in hopes sports fans will still pay attention. But that idea has been rejected.

"I appreciate Tony's enthusiasm for baseball, but there's just no point," said Selig. "Our season ends when football starts. It's been that way for 10 or 15 years. And while it's true that football is not played much on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I use those days to set my fantasy rosters."


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Mark Sanchez in favor of Ground Zero mosque so he can meet Middle Eastern women

New York Jets quarterback made a strong statement today declaring his unconditional support for the controversial mosque that is planned to be built just blocks from Ground Zero in order to facilitate his access to Muslim women. "I'm sick of the prejudice against Muslims," said Sanchez at a Jets media outing. "We need to allow this mosque to be built in lower Manhattan because, quite frankly, I have not slept with nearly enough Middle Eastern women and I'd like to change that." Not all in the Jets organization support Sanchez's remarks. "Mark spends almost all of his time gallivanting with women," said Jets quarterback coach Matt Cavanaugh. "I held my tongue when he asked that the playbook be printed in Mandarin to impress Chinese girls at bars, but this is too much. We need Mark to be focused on football." Mosque financier Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf has publically appreciated the support, but in a written statement, cautioned Sanchez that these women will likely be pious and devout to their faith and not interested in his playboy lifestyle. "No matter," responded Sanchez. "I like a challenge. People, or more specifically, beautiful women, should have the opportunity to worship wherever they please. And when they're all worshiped out, they can swing by Casa Sanchez and we be pious together."

[Frobozz]

Manny Ramirez Pretty Sure He Played for the White Sox Before



Outfielder Manny Ramirez says he is excited to be back with the White Sox.

"I had some good years on this team," he said. "I think we even won a championship. Is [Carlos] Baerga still here? He's a good guy."

White Sox general manager Ken Williams has encouraged White Sox players and team employees not to correct Ramirez and explain that the White Sox are a completely different team than the Red Sox.

"When you're dealing with someone of Manny's cognitive deficiences, it's just best to keep him comfortable," said Williams.

That plan is working, as Ramirez is already feeling at home. "Everything feels the same as it used to," he said. "The only difference is that the manager, Tommy Franconya or whatever his name is -- he seems to curse a lot more. Which is cool."

The White Sox say they are working with local law enforcement to have breaking and entering charges dropped against Ramirez for an incident last night when he forced his way into a residence at 511 Chestnut Street.

"It's the address he lived at in Boston," said Williams. "He doesn't know any better. He said he was positive it was his house 'cause it had a door with a knob on it just like his house."


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Terrell Owens on Chad Ochocinco: "Jesus. Am I this annoying?"



Terrell Owens apologized to football fans today if any of his past actions were seen as annoying, self-serving or simply lame and unfunny.

"It took me seeing it in someone else up close, day after day after day, to realize how awful it is," Owens said. "So, please, if in any way I acted like [Chad] Ochocinco in the past, I sincerely apologize. I would have hated me, too."

Owens said he was initially excited to sign with the Bengals, because it extended his NFL career and let him play with a receiver he considered to be very similar to him in Ochocinco. But after a week of training camp that excitement faded.

"Day 1 was awesome. Chad was hilarious," said Owens. "By Day 3 I found myself fake laughing more often and not. And at the end of the first week it was all I could do to not roll my eyes or just yell: 'SHUT THE F--K UP!'"

Owens has tried to avoid Ochocinco as much as possible of late, saying he has an appointment or that he has to use the bathroom if his teammate approaches him.

"That's what the other guys on the team told me to do, because that's what they do," said Owens. "They say trying to avoid Chad brings them together and that it has for years."

So far the plan has worked, although Owens is worried Ochocinco is starting to get suspicious.

"I know I started getting suspicious when my Cowboys teammates had appointments all the time," he said. "I was worried Tony Romo had cancer or something. Now I know he just found me really annoying. And I can't blame him."

[Frobozz]

Red Sox Fall 6.5 Games Back of Being Interesting to Boston Fans

The Boston Red Sox dropped two of three games to the Tampa Bay Rays over the weekend, falling almost hopelessly behind in the race to stay relevant in their hometown.

"This was a tough series for us," said Red Sox manager Terry Francona. "We won the first one to get within 4 1/2 of first and you could feel the city starting to come around. But then we lost the last two and they're back to thinking they knew we just didn't have it months ago. We really have our work cut out for us as far as getting back in striking distance and re-filling the bandwagon."

The turning point in the series came in the bottom of the 10th inning on Saturday when Tampa reserve Dan Johnson won the game on a walkoff home run.

"Right when the ball cleared the fence, I remember thinking how awesome Tom Brady and Wes Welker are and how it's football season now," said Boston fan Tommy Reilly. "I'm not really a Dustin Pedroia fan anyway. I was just wearing his jersey 'cause my other stuff was in the laundry. And the Pedroia tattoo I got a few years ago on my neck is more like ... ironic or something. Especially if he's not going to hit above .300 or if he's going to keep being a pussy and not play through injuries."

Boston slugger David Ortiz says the team is playing as hard as it can through an injury-plagued season, but feels they haven't received the same level of support as in past years -- a feeling that is backed up by a massive drop in local TV ratings this season. But fans insist it's the team, not them.

"We are not frontrunners in Boston," said a man at a sports bar wearing a Shaquille O'Neal Celtics replica jersey. "That's a load of crap spouted by haters. The Red Sox don't have to be in first. That's ridiculous. We would also support them if they were in the wildcard lead."

[Frobozz]

Aroldis Chapman scheduled for preemptive reconstructive elbow surgery

Hoping they can prevent flamethrowing phenom Aroldis Chapman from meeting the fate of fellow young pitching star Stephen Strasburg, the Cincinnati Reds today put Chapman under the knife for season-ending surgery. "You can't be too careful with someone that has his talent," said Reds general manager Walt Jocketty. "So we went in and cleaned everything out so we don't have to do it later." Chapman, who was perfectly healthy, will miss 12 to 18 months of baseball and likely will never recover the max speed on his fastball or the same snap on his breaking pitches. "Also, Dusty Baker is the kid's manager," said Jocketty. "I mean, this surgery was inevitable. It's better we get it out of the way now."