Topic: wife a pain in the butt

[Ramblin' Dad]

Not a problem. I have never thought of our topics as being dead if a dad wants to breath life back in to them. Sometimes we tend to wonder off topic on these boards and for the most part it's no big deal, but I can see that in this forum perhaps that isn't such a good idea. I think that the topic rather than dying went WAY off topic. We should all be more attentive to that.

[Dadof7]

sorry did not realise this was a dead topic.. didnt read past page one lol...  um... in the future if the topic is over would it be possible for somebody to mark it so? I know the forum has a lock topic function as well as "topic solved" mods... again.. I am really sorry for responding to an already dead topic.. I saw it at the top of the list and took it as a recent discussion.

[Dadof7]

My wife is the stay at home type... and I mean stay at home! lol. I only just taught her how to drive last year... She has no friends in the real world... and she has no place to meet friends... I have recently taught her how to use the Internet and found her the cafemom website. Since then her personality has blossomed. My wife while she will not play with the kids in any way shape or form ... does love them very much and shows that love in a nurturing fashion. (Hugs, kisses boo boos, laughs when they do something silly, etc)

Take it from me (the product of a "professional" home) that you have a much larger problem than her complaining when you are late. You REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HER! Do so with extreme caution however. any type of accusation or finger pointing will wind up in an argument.

Simply sit down and write up a list of things that need worked on. and things that are a problem. But when addressing these issues with her do not place blame or name names. simply say "we need to work on ___________ and __________"

Otherwise your children will begin to suffer from it all... human being (especially ones that we are close with) pick up on subtle emotions and behavior very well... what do you think they feel about her not playing with them? and how will that impact their future emotional state or the way that they raise their children?

OK that part over with.....


My wife spends a large part of the day cleaning up after the kids and feeding them. the problem being that as soon as you clean a spot they will have it dirty again in no time.. and I don't just mean toys... there are pates from lunch and breakfast to clean.. several cups cause kids misplace the old one or toss it in the sink... crackers on the floor... IN THE LIVING ROOM!...  bread in the toy box... (usually only with babies who walk around with such things) then there are finger prints on the TV, computer monitor, glass doors, windows, etc.... then there is fixing dinner, i do that most of the time... there are diapers, stopping fights, solving arguments, enforcing fairness, answering five hundred (and one) questions per minute, naps (finally a break.... NOT!!!!) that is when you vacuum and maybe take out the trash or what ever you have to do that you cant do with kids up your bum..

Anyways... yeah.. my wife has some of the same problems... and yes she takes care of everything around the house without ever whining a bit... i also help with anything big. And "treat" her anytime i can.

anyways I forgot where I was going with this.. got interrupted... Good luck with the wife!

[Keith]

Also, try clicking on the Help tab in the top menu bar..   I think it talks about quotes in there..

[Garand]

good call tat. still need help on inserting quotes tho.

Find a post you want to quote, look to the upper right corner of the post and click on the word QUOTE.

[n1dad]

good call tat. still need help on inserting quotes tho.

[TattedDad]

I agree with the comments above but I think we should all take a break from this thread. All of the questions have been answered and all this thread is doing now, is generating heat. If any questions have not been answered, then ask them again........ In another thread.

[Frobozz]

 

[jbpdvm]

n1, I think that some of your ideas and generalisations are very innaccurate. First of all, my wife is a superhero.I have the utmost admiration for her. She is 40 years old, and stays home with our 21 month old twins. There isn't a harder job in the world. She is dead-tired when I get home. I don't care if the house isn't clean, or dinner isn't on the table because I know that she has working her ass off all day long. Just taking care of the kids is a full time job, sometimes there just isn't enough time in the day to clean house or cook.She deserves to be a little cranky, and if she wants to bitch about something, I will listen. I do not consider that crap as you do. I am just as tired when I get home, but I know that she needs a break from the kids, so I take over.I would rather sit on the couch and surf channels, but the kids come first.
  I am not lying when I say that we have a great marriage. We love each other very deeply, and we love our kids. As a couple, our relationship has changed. We don't get to do as many things together as we used to. Now we work together to give our kids the very best of everything. It is called a sacrifice. We knew that there would have to be sacrifices when we wanted kids. Sandy and I work together as a team to make every day special for them.
 And I resent being called a Mr Mom. I am a Daddy!  The fact that I change diapers or cook dinner or wash dishes doesn't make me a mom. It makes me a dad who cares enough about his family to help out.
  You need to sit down with your wife and discuss the sacrifices that each of you have to make. You need to validate her feelings. She works alot harder that you realise. But she needs help and that is where you come in. I don't care what your percentages say about how many working fathers help out around the house. Your child needs you and your wife to provide the best possible environment.

[Bill]

 

[Keith]

keith- i never said i resent having kids. i said my wife feels resentment at the mommy role sometimes- the expectations society creates, and the lying other parents do about how wonderful everything is in thier marriages.

So, your wife has the problem of resetment towards your child because she has to give up so much to be a mom?   

And I don't know how to take the  "and the lying other parents do about how wonderful everything is in *their* marriages?       Is that directed at all the dads on here?   Because if so, I take offense to that!    Sure, my wife and I have fights, we have problems.....everyone does, but we get over it.    My marriage is wonderful.  I love it and I love my wife.   I wouldn't change a thing in my life.   I gave up alot for my kids, not that they asked me too..  I wanted too..   I am a better person because of my kids.   

If your wife truly resents your child, then I feel so bad for her and your child..   I couldn't imagine hearing my parents tell me that they resent me for any reason..    Just do your child a favor and make sure that he/she never hears that or finds that out..     

And if I missed the point about your wife, then I'm sorry.  That's just what I got when I read your posts.

[z_randy]

n1dad..I think all the confusion about what your thread is about. Apparently everyone that replied and tried to give you an honest answer completely missed the point of your question.
So I completely understand you..what exactly is your question in this thread?

randy, i never said i just wanna come home and rest and let my wife do all the work. what r u talking about???

I SAAAAAIIIIIDDDD:

when i get home my wife often wines about how hard her days been and that gets tiresome. my original question was how many of you get that crap.

You said she should do the majority of the work at home since you work so hard during the day.  You failed to mention the nanny help until later.
I'm sorry but for so many people..well everyone that answered.. to completely miss the point of your question means there must have been something wrong with the question.

[spddrcr]

there was no jab intended, and again this is just advice you can take or leave, I think for the most part the other fathers here myself included are trying to help you out but we just dont see exactly what you were getting at with the vague questions.

[n1dad]

what up tatted? we're all hiding behind computers!

[n1dad]

randy, i never said i just wanna come home and rest and let my wife do all the work. what r u talking about???

I SAAAAAIIIIIDDDD:

when i get home my wife often wines about how hard her days been and that gets tiresome. my original question was how many of you get that crap.

[n1dad]

keith- i never said i resent having kids. i said my wife feels resentment at the mommy role sometimes- the expectations society creates, and the lying other parents do about how wonderful everything is in thier marriages.

[n1dad]

spider, (cant figure out the quotes thing) i never said i dont like to play with my kids- pay attention! i said my wife said that.

not bragging about how smart we are, just saying we know and use most advanced techniques. your jab about not being able to figure out the quote feature was just stupid and irrelevant.

puuuh-leeease!

[TattedDad]

I don't think anyone thought that was the question. Everyone who posted already answered you other questions. If you want to know what sort of things our kids or wives do to piss us off or irritate us, then ask us just that....in a new thread.  I really can't speak for the other guys here and I really can't comment on your wife but I can say mine is truely amazing. Yes we fight, yes she gets on my nevers and yes she doesn't always do what I like but hey...thats life. No one is perfect and I wouldnever expect her to be because I am far from perfect. Not trying to be rude here but to me it sounds like you just want to elevate yourself above your wife by sayng you do SOOOOO much and you work SOOOOO hard. All of us do, thats what dads do. Atleast you can say you have some other help at your house with the nany and all. My wife and I don't have that luxury and we find a way to make it work. If she isn't happy about being a mom, maybe you should both go to counseling or something like peopl suggested on the first page.

And by the way....I don't consider this just a place to say things that I wouldn't say to someones face. I have met some of the members here in person and I have had very good and deep conversations with some of the guys here. Yes, you can be brutally honest here but most of these guys would be the same face to face. Not saying things just because they are hiding behind a computer.

[z_randy]

whats that got to do with my question about how do your wives get on your nerves?

Had no idea that was your question.  I think all of us that responded read it as your wife is a pain because she asks you to help when you get home from a long work day and all you want to do is rest and expect all the housework to be done.

[Keith]

my wifes frustrations stem from her resentment at having to sacrifice so much. as i said, thats her issue. i love being a dad, but recognize that i do more than most.

but we're a typical couple.

I would say that a typical mom or dad wouldn't have resentment towards their children..   At least, that isn't what *I* would call a typical parent..

I have 3 great kids that I wouldn't trade or change in anyway.   My oldest has ADHD, my middle son is as stubborn as anyone I have every seen and my youngest, who is 2 1/2, can get on my nerves so bad..   But who cares..   9 years ago I dedicted myself to my children.  I work my butt off for them so they can have what they want/need.  They need glasses, they need braces..  That's fine, I'll do that for them. 

I work, I work around the house..  I help my kids with homework.  I help my wife around the house..   I don't go out..    I watch movies here sometimes and play videogames..    And I come here to Daddyplace..    That's my life...    And I LOVE it.. 

I really hope that you find what you are looking for..  I truly do!

[spddrcr]

you yourself clearly stated that you and your wife dont like to play with your children did you not? everything you posted thus far has not pointed to you and your wife being a "typical couple". bragging about how smart you and your wife are doesnt make sense when you couldnt figure out how to click the button to insert quotes or click the checkmark to stop the email notifications. you asked for advice and people gave it to you. be careful what you wish for as you just might get it

[n1dad]

how do you put in those quotes in your message?

anyway, thanks for putting in the effort to reply guys. spdr, i have to admit i was laughing when i read your comments. so many assumptions. i ddint even recognize the person you were describing: this guy who hates being a family man and wants to only do his own thing. by the way, my wife and i are more educated about parenting than 90% of the society, in part because we have specialized in the topic in our studies and in my job, and partly because we put the knowledge to use- something many dont do.

the point the other poster made is the kind of kernel of wisdom im looking for here: that this is a stage and if i have to make certain sacrifices, its necessary for now. good point.

i got a kick out of that whole scenario you wrote about regarding kids becoming sociopathic. whats that got to do with my question about how do your wives get on your nerves? and no, we dont need counseling. good for you that you got help and it worked, but we're a typical couple. i'm just interested in using this forum to find out about things noone discusses normally.

[spddrcr]

I just wanted to to say frobozz makse some pretty good points in the last post, and again i know my post sounds harsh, but my wife and i have also been through counseling, and to top it all off I have muscular dystrophy, which makes every aspect of my familys life more difficult, But we manage to do the things we want and take care of our children as a singular parental unit, there is no woman work / man work in our house we both do everything to get done what needs to be done. Im permently disabled so if i dont want to work i dont have to. I could stay home all day everyday with my kids and make my life and my wife's life alot easier, but in the long run i would have to deal with my own frustrations of not getting the most out of life, and wondering if what i had done was worth it. in my opinion work makes a person who they are, not just working outside of the home at a company but the work you do at home as well with your family.

and again you guys should try talking to a counselor, having someone there who is on middle grounds with you and your wife who wont take side but offer up advice is one of the best things in the world. my wife and i had differnt viewpoints on alot of things but after sitting down and talking it out with a counselor things have gotten alot better.

[Frobozz]

Keith is the chief honcho here.  I'm an assistant admin, along with Bill and Ramblin' Dad.  As admins we can modify your profile if we so choose.  I took the step to do so for you since you were unable to figure out where the proper settings were. The profile settings pages can be confusing at the start, so I opted to take care of it for you.  Glad to help.

Look we all have "issues" with our wives.   It's normal human interaction.  The same way you'd have problems with your boss, co-workers, brothers, sisters, parents....basically anyone that you have extensive dealings with.    Thanks for posting more info about your situation.    Sounds like you identified your wife's frustration as the stem of the problem, so she needs to work it out, or you need to help her do so.  Up until earlier this year, I worked at an office and was gone for 10 hours per day, and my wife was frustrated and exhausted at time dealing with the kids during that period.   I tried to make sure that she got any time that she wanted to get out of the house. Whether it was just running errands by herself, or dinner with friends or an evening bookclub.   She too terribly missed work and the interaction with adults.   

Now I'm home all day long things are a bit different.  She always has me around to help and I do much of that. But I'm a homebody and she's not, so I still push her to go off and do things by herself, it helps her a lot and in turn helps our relationship.    Our kids too are young (3 and 1), so I know this phase won't last forever and I'm willing to do what needs to be done to keep things sailing smoothly.

So you won't hear me gripe about my wife here.  As I've said before, we're all different with different tolerances for things.   I recognize that I can take more punishment by the kids than she can, so I make sure she gets the time she needs to recharge.   Based on my own experience, I'd recommend you analyze your situation (which you seem to have already done) and your marriage and figure out what's worth conceding and what's worth standing firm on.   You'd probably reap more long term benefit from bending a bit despite your feeling that she's not carrying the load. That's just my  , take it for whatever it's worth.

Finally to address your message board community.  Yes, anonymity can breed some brutal talk and feelings, but quite a number of us have been on this site for a year or two and have become good friends and know each other quite well.  We chat outside the board and sometimes on the phone.   This site has been a great resource for some of us to connect to others with the same interests and problems and help us realize that the things we're going through, such as the problems you illustrate, are not unique and we are not alone.  Maybe we are the "minority". Fine.  But we work hard to make this a good site for dads and we keep reaching out to bring this resource to others.   I'm glad that you've found us and that you feel you can post here.  I look forward to you participating in other areas of this site as well.

[spddrcr]

so I'm probally going to say a few things here your not going to want to hear and it may sound judgemental but you asked.

I don't believe you and your wife are as educated about child psychology  as you claim, if you were you wouldn't be here asking these questions in the first place, and about the whole I wanna come home and have dinner on the table and the kids asleep so i don't have to deal with them is crap. if you and your wife don't like playing with your children then why do you have them? What's the point in keeping them now? do you want to have 2 children that grow up resenting you and your wife for the way that they were raised? there is a problem in America right now with children basically lashing out because their parents don't spend enough time with them and don't give them the emotional needs that they require, will you be happy when your kids knock over the local 7 11 or kill their schoolmates because you and your wife were to busy with your social life to raise them properly?

so far everything you have posted in this thread is telling me you and your wife are selfish and most likely shouldn't have had kids in the first place as you aren't ready for the experience.

as far as not doing half the stuff you do for work? how would you know, you haven't told us what you or your wife does for work but let me tell you what my wife and  i do.

first we both have masters from good schools, my wife is a teacher at a title 1 school, basically that means she teaches at a school that has the worst problems socio economic and otherwise. going to work each day is a practice of self discipline as you never know what will happen there. she often stays there long after the regular school day to help children who don't speak English, or children who don't get the attention they need at home.

at this point in her career she does the job that parents don't do anymore, sure it's a thankless job but if she helps even one kid get out of the family situation there in by giving them the tools they need in the real world then her job is done. She does all this for little pay and no thanks.

myself, I write and do photography for several magazines with world wide distribution and when I'm not doing that i do videography work on extreme sports DVDs. I travel just about every weekend of the year, and leave on long trips a couple of times per year. when I'm not involved in either of those two jobs I'm at home working on clients projects for my New Media company. everything from designing logos' to websites and advertising. needless to say i sleep about 2 to three hours a night if that.

now here is where it gets interesting, I have two children that i take care of at home. I arrange my work schedule around my wife's. we have a joint calendar that is already filled for next year. on top of all that my sons who are 3 and 6 both play sports, participate in cub scouts and tiger cubs, and have regular playdates with friends.

so who helps us with all this? NO ONE that's right i said no one. we made the choice when we had children to sacrifice are social activities so that we could take care of our children.

and i guess that's what I'm coming back to is that in order to have children and raise them correctly you need to make sacrifices. you need to man up and take responsibility for what needs to be done, whether it's taking out the trash or taking care of dinner. if your wife is sitting at home making dinner all day there is a problem. it only takes minutes a day to make healthy meals, and that comes back to sacrifice again.

I could go on and on but i think i made my point, you chose to bring children into this world, either take care of them the proper way or give them to someone else who can so you can have your social life and play time.

I really do hope you and your wife the best and hope you guys can get through your problems with out the big D, have you and your wife talked to a counselor about the problems? it might be a good start.

good luck