Author Topic: Mrs is lovely, kid is...  (Read 2045 times)

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mr-ignored

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Mrs is lovely, kid is...
« on: May 16, 2012, 04:55:55 AM »
I just joined this Forum to ask your advice; I'm Robby and I'm 39, live in the UK where I work as a Freelance Web Designer from home. I never had any kids of my own as I didn't fancy all the nappy stuff; I get on fantastically well with my sister's kids who I have a good laugh with and love beyond the stars. So maybe I am a great Uncle but a shit step-dad? Either way, please read on and I'd appreciate your feedback....

I've been with my partner for just over a year and it's all good but her 14 year old daughter (who we'll call 'K') really gets on my nerves sometimes as she is lazy beyond belief, hardly ever goes out and doesn't really seem to let me into her life - just goes to her Mum instead. She's a good kid but she is so lazy it's unreal. I may be a bit fussier than other people because I don't see the excuse to live in sh?t when there's three people in a house each with two hands each, plus my own Dad was pretty strict. Try n get K to tidy up/help out and all you'll get is some whinging or she'll just palm it off to her Mum.
When we moved from my 1-bedroom flat to this new 3 bedroom house she was a gem, helping out a fair bit and happy to do so but now the novelty has worn off and it's mainly me doing it all again; I've had enough and have considered walking once so far. I love my Mrs but K doesn't want to play ball and if I have a go my Mrs just sticks up for her and all of a sudden I'm the bad guy. My business is almost non-existent now as I spend most the day being the Maid.
Fed up with it, fed up with having the piss taken, and pulling other people's weight.
Seriously thinking of my options for a way out of this.


Offline Bill

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Re: Mrs is lovely, kid is...
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2012, 08:08:42 AM »
You're having a regular family-type problem.  Problem 1.  you and your mrs need to talk about the rules as far as laying down the law.  It has to be united.  If your Mrs isn't backing your play, she's undermining you and vice-versa. 

Does K have a job?  I ask because an easy way to get kids to help around the house is currency.  Currency isn't necessarily money.  Find what works.  TV, internet, whatever, it's all currency.  Money is just the easy currency, no job, no help around the house, no money....  Deal with it kiddo.  Oh you want to go over to your mate's place?  That's funny, I want the dishes done.  When I get what I want, you can get what you want.  Now, if Mrs hasn't been backing your play, don't expect this will go over well at all.  And if Mrs still isn't backing your play, it plain won't work.

I will say, as a step-dad, it frustrates me to see you say "thinking of my options for a way out of this".  I'm not going to be judgemental about it, let me just say.  You're either in or you're not.  You are that childs father, you're going to butt heads, she's likely going to tell you, more than once that she hates you, there will be a point that your Mrs will pull you aside and ask you if "enter argument here" was really necessary.  But you're either in or you're not.  You're her father, or you're not.  There should never be a "she's not even my kid" that escapes your lips.


Offline Keith

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Re: Mrs is lovely, kid is...
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2012, 09:20:09 PM »
One of my best friends has gone through this.  He is staying with his Mrs. because he loves her.  We have had many talks over this same issue.  Being a parent and being a step parent can be alittle different.  Some might disagree with me on this and I'm willing to listen to their arguments on it.  Being a biological parent and being there for your kids from birth, the kids have learn't you and how you are.  Being a step-parent your coming into the child's life and that can be extremely hard for you and the child. 

I do agree with Bill 100%.  Your in, or your out.  Saying "thinking of my options for a way out of this" isn't a very good way to put what you feel into words.   Saying things like that gets easier and easier everytime you say them.  Just imagine if "K" heard you say that.  Imagine how she would feel.  Please don't take this wrong, I understand how you feel and I'm not here to judge you in any way.  I DO believe you care about your Mrs. and "K" because you are here looking for advice....That says alot about you and shows me you care. 

I do want to say this, Being a parent is the HARDEST thing I have EVER done in life.  It can be the most rewarding as well.  I LOVE being a dad, I just don't love being a dad all the time (when the hard times come and I have to discipline my kids).   I just had to discipline my youngest son  not 10 mins ago for getting suspended from school.   <pulling my hair out and many dads here know, I don't have much hair left!>. 

My advice, if you truly love your Mrs's, then make it work.   Just like Bill said, you and the Mrs's HAVE GOT TO BE on the same page.  It's something that you will have to talk to her about and make it very clear that you need her to talk to you about it.

I'm not a step dad, BUT, my wife is the step-mom to my 2 boys.  I told her when we got married that I would back her up and in my mind, she is their mom.  She is very strict on our kids (we have 2 boys ages 13 and 11 and we have a daughter together who is 7 years old).  She does a great job.

I truly hope this has helped and I hope you didn't take offense to it.  I hope to hear from you on how it's going.

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Offline keetedw

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Re: Mrs is lovely, kid is...
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2012, 01:23:35 PM »
I understand entirely where you're coming from.  I think we're all fooling ourselves a bit if, at some dark moment(s) we didn't look around and wonder why we were there.  I'll admit I have.  It's nothing to be proud of, but it happens.

Back on point.  I'll mirror what the others are saying.  You'll need to get the Mrs on board with you or you will perpetually be put in the position of "bad guy" when trying to correct K's behavior.

Even better would be to ask Mrs to step in and attempt to get K in shape and helping around.  I'm sure she's loath to intervene so she can avoid putting her daughter at odds with her, but we're here to be guides and rule makers for our kids, not just friends.

Good luck, either way.  We're always here to vent if you need.
 

"Some people feel the rain.  Others just get wet" Dylan/Marley

 



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