Author Topic: Feeling a little used as a step dad!  (Read 5393 times)

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sammydad

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Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« on: August 24, 2012, 10:22:42 PM »
My wife and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and her 13 year old daughter from her previous marriage lives with us. Her ex pays no child support, or any other childhood expenses, and he has shown little interest in his daughter other than taking her out for a few hours once or twice a week.

I don't approve of how my wife handles the issue of his access to her daughter, as he will often demand to see her with little notice and this will override plans that my girlfriend and I have already made. But I am understanding of the fact that my girlfriend is scared of her ex and thus reluctant to say no, as it takes very little to set him off.

Another problem is that her daughter still doesn’t see my as her step-dad, yet I pay for her all expenses. My girlfriend can't afford to pay for things like braces and glasses, so I have had to step in. I am starting to resent paying all the bills for a child who doesn’t see me as a central part of her life. I believe her father is behind making her believing she has only one dad, which leaves me feeling hurt.

I wish he would take more responsibility and pay for the privilege of having a child. Unfortunately, my wife is unwilling to deal with the situation and her ex likes things just the way they are. So I need some advice on what I should do about this?

Thanks in advance!

Offline Keith

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Re: Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2012, 10:59:11 PM »
Hey Sam.  Welcome to Daddyplace!


You are in a tough situation and I'm sorry that is going on.  You do what you do because you are a good person who wants to do the right thing for the ones that you love.  There is nothing wrong with that at all.


You won't be able to change how your wife's/girlfriend's (you referred to her as both in your post) ex treats her or the child.  I hope you can accept that.  All you can do is tell your wife/girlfriend how you feel and how it makes you feel.  If she can't or won't understand then you will be in a tougher position. 


Hopefully you guys will be able to come to an understanding and work together, but you are gonna have to have a tough heart to heart talk on this.


Please keep us updated on how things are going.

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Offline Morpheus

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Re: Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2012, 08:30:24 PM »
Ok.......... I am a step dad too and i have done the exact same thing for my step daughter...... There really isn't anything you can do until one day she realizes you have been the one that had always been there for her and always been the one that has provided everything for her........things change a little once they realize that but from my experienceit was n not a drastic change. My step daughter still thinks her dad is the world even though he pays fire nothing and has zero morals or standards that he lives by......

dirka dirka

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Re: Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2012, 10:53:15 AM »
being a step parent can be a thankless job at times but thats the job of a parent. regardless of dads role, he is still dad no matter what. i think our role has step parents rely's on our ability of being an understanding parent. no child wants their parents to break up nor do they want another voice of authority in their world. your thoughts about paying is irrelevant do to parent responsabilities. it is a long road but you will drive yourself crazy thinking the way you are. if you love this family, then i suggest you ignore the cross over parenting issues and give that child the support they will need and give mom the support she needs. there is always the chance you are being used but what matters is what you do while you are in that childs life has a parent figure. its one thing having parents mess up their own children but its another when an outsider comes in and does the same thing...stay kewl, be real and be that parent :righton:

Offline Keith

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Re: Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2012, 11:01:22 AM »
Well said Dirka! 

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Offline Jessie

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Re: Feeling a little used as a step dad!
« Reply #5 on: September 02, 2012, 12:33:55 PM »
First off, is this your wife or girlfriend? It makes a big difference... If this is your girlfriend, you need to decide if you want to marry into this situation or not. If it is your wife, than you've made your decision already. Either way, IMHO the relationship that your wife/gf and daughter have with the biological father should not be too much of your concern. UNLESS it's interfering with your relationship.

If it is, and you're married to this woman, than I'd have to ask.. "Did this happen before you got married?" If so, than I'm sorry to say that it's all part of the package that you accepted. If it didn't, than you've got a good case to take to your wife and should definitely put your foot down...

If it's affecting your relationship and you are NOT married, than you need to talk to your girlfriend about getting this under control for the sake of your future together. Let her know that you can't and wont live like this forever...

Either way, if it's not TRULY affecting your relationship (and I mean beyond making you uncomfortable, due to your opinion of the situation) than it's probably only going to damage your relationship with this family to harp on it too much. Another thing to keep in mind is, he will always be the girl's father. That means that, unless he signs away his parental rights, he will always have the right to be a part of her life.

 



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