Author Topic: soon to be step-dad... real dad?  (Read 2477 times)

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Cajun

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soon to be step-dad... real dad?
« on: January 30, 2008, 10:19:27 AM »
OK basically, I am engaged. She's actually my high school sweetheart and we split before graduation because she wasn't sure she could live as a military spouse. We both ended up moving on and getting married and I had two kids she had one. Well, now that we're both divorced, I'm out of the Marines, and living closer - we caught up with each other. it started as a 6 month friendship helping with each others divorces and just letting our kids play (when mine were visiting). About 7 months ago, we stopped kidding and fighting it and started dating again. We're very happy now. Problem, her ex-husband is WORTHLESS!!! He has fallen close to $8,000 behind on Child support, I have never once missed mine (and I pay twice what he does while i make half the money he makes). But the dude is never there for his son, when he does come around she has such a hard time keeping him away from his father. Then Gage (her son) who is 3, comes home after a day or so and he acts like he's not even 2. Whining, wanting to be fed, sippy cups, wets his pants (he's been potty trained for almost a year now)and acts like he can't do any of the things he's perfectly capable of doing. Now, it's been close to a month since this dude came around, and all Gage ask for is "see my Daddy"... over and over. the last time she spoke with him, he said he was considering signing his rights away so he and his girlfriend could move away and not have to worry about all the money he owes her. the guy is a drug addict. I've known him since we were not even 10 years old and at one point in High school, we were BEST friends. But in H.S., he took the 'experimenting' too far and was hooked on drugs quick... he still has not unf*cked himself 12 years later.

Now, I'm begining to the think he hates me. Before I came into his mother's life again, he had no discipline, no rules, no expectations. Now, in the 6 months that I have been helping, his mother has learned a lot of useful things that Gage has benifited from... and to top it off, the kids is even speaking better (10x), goes to bed on his own (not being rocked or stuff like that), brushes his teeth, he even cleans up his room without being stood over and told step by step how to clean up (that is mainly because I taught it to my kids at a young age and the more and more they come to visit and clean behind themselves before even moving on to play with something else, he picks up on it and now does it on his own). But he does all things no problem because Mommy is there and her and I stand firm together on these things.

But a few times, like when she works her one Saturday a month, it's just he and I. He get DEFIANT!!! Quick! He has spit in my face, snatched things from me screams at me. and even went in the kitchen two weeks ago and pulled down his pants, peed all over the floor, and crapped his pants... then started playing in it and laughing. Now, I do not change the way I speak to him, act, or what i expect when she is not around. I ensure that we stay consistant and it's easier and we all end up having a lot more fun and a lot less discipline... but i have no idea what to do about these outburst. Anybody suffering similar stuff? or at least suggestions?


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Offline Scott H.

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Re: soon to be step-dad... real dad?
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2008, 10:34:34 AM »
Woa. I didn't have to deal with anything like that when I became a step-dad. Question: What do you do when Gage acts like that? What does your fiance say about him behaving like that?


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Offline Bill

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Re: soon to be step-dad... real dad?
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2008, 10:59:06 AM »
I was kind of going to ask the same thing as Scott. 

Here is a thought.  While the weekly discipline goes on you and your soon to be spouse need to remember that whoever starts the discipline or time-out must do so and end it.  I've learned this from experience, she may want to back you up, or vice-versa, but what I learned as a step-dad was that until I did it on my own without her backing me up I never asserted myself as an authority figure.  Just as Mom's heavy.  Or the guy that will tell mom and have mom give us crap.  They never pulled anything that extreme but mine did some pretty silly and well-known no-no's while mom was out at the start.  They don't now.  But more info is needed.  What do you do, do you have an equal hand in punishment?


Cajun

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Re: soon to be step-dad... real dad?
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2008, 08:17:33 PM »
      Yeah guys, from the begining - we have implimented the use of whomever starts the punishment, ends the punishment. What I meant by "backing me up", is that she doesn't let him do things that I have disciplined for even though, before I came around, he got away with it.  :down:

     When he acts like this, I do everything in my power to not change the way I act. I keep my cool and put him in time out. I have two kids that I raised very well. They are great, well behaved and I recieve massive amounts of compliments on how good they are. I treat Gage the same way I treat them. This is of course so that when my children are visiting, there are no double standards or confusion. The ONE thing my ex-wife and I agree on and still discuss is discipline. She will call me to tell me of new developments and we discuss and comprimise on how to handle them... It benifits the kids greatly. So, Gage is treated equally so that none feel mistreated or left out.

     Anyhow, My Fiancee' just asks surprised and shocked when I tell her and talks to him about it, but he doesn't get it because it's usually hours after the incident and he's forgotten. But we use time out first. If after he gets out of time out he repeats his offense, he gets three decent swats on the butt. (he's 3 yrs old = 3 minutes of time out, 3 swats... ect...). But he is very intelligent, and shows it when we are hanging out and getting along, but when mommy is there - he plays her like a old fiddle and just back tracks. So, when I tell her of these incidents... she has a hard time grasping it therefore, we can't come to any good ideas. I have even consulted my ex-wife and she is clueless.  :hairpull:

     But Gage also has another problem of glaring and not listening when i tell him something (even when mommy is home), I usually have to repeat myself twice. If it comes to rate a third verbal instruction, he goes to timeout.  X-(

    Our theory, He doesn't like me because I am structured, disciplined, and unwavering. His father is a flake, and lets him do what ever. including replacing meals with treats if he doesn't feel like eating (this dude just openly admits it to us that he refuses to not give Gage whatever he wants and will not discipline him because... and i qoute - "I'm not in his life enough that I need to discipline him and make him mad at me". I tried to explain that it should be across the board so that Gage grows up with an understanding that adults are respected and help teach him right from wrong. But we feel that the one time a month that the dead beat loser shows up with a hundred bucks asking to see Gage for the day or two still gives gage a false sense of how he should act, and furthermore, makes the young child resent me for trying to give him love and structure in the same embrace.
 :S

   *note* - I take Gage to the park at least once a week, out for ice cream when he is good and we do things together. he enjoys that and i never have a probelm with him during stuff like this (because he's getting something he wants and has no reason to act up). So, as you can see, I am at my wits end when he decides he isn't going to listen just because Mommy isn't around. :doh!

HELP!!!  :help: :hairpull: ??) :signquestion: :kboom::banghead:

Offline Keith

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Re: soon to be step-dad... real dad?
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2008, 08:30:15 PM »
Dang Richard!   I wish I could help you and offer you some advice..   I don't have any step-kids..     But I will tell you this..   Keep it up..   Don't waiver..   Keep strong, he will come around, it might take awhile..  But I think he will.

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